Yesterday marked three decades

My 20's sang their swan song, sweetly before they went into that "cold, dark night".   I spent my 30th with my husband, children, dad and grandfather.  It went by slowly.  Started out with eggs benedict, though.  D is so awesome.

Secretly, I had hoped that my husband has some grand plan to whisk me away to the City.  But it wasn't so.  

My birthday was perfect.  My little girl started using the toilet, what a great birthday surprise!  My husband made dinner...well, actually, we both made dinner.  I made dinner for him and the babies and he made dinner for me.  Shrimp and pasta for them and homemade pizza for me.   So yummy.

Now that I'm thirty, I'm wondering what's next.  Is life just beginning for me?  Somehow I feel like I need to set my goals again and move forward.  My priorities have changed.  Life is amazing.  It continuously shifts, changing the climate of your living conditions, forcing you to make decisions and adapt.  

Goodness, I'm sitting here thinking of all the lessons I've learned wondering which ones to share, but I have to say that the one piece of advice I will always live by is this: stay productively busy.

You know, I was reading a book to my babies today and this sentence stuck out:

"Busy workers make a happy home."

It's so, so true.  Stay busy, stay alive.  I'm thirty.  It's not the end and I'm not dead.

I spent my Christmas in a cabin

35,000 feet in the air.

And, to top it all off, I think I’ve found my brain again.  It’s invigorating to have an intelligent conversation with someone about life, politics, education, books...you name it.  It’s been a while since I sat down and exchanged opinions with someone -- other than my husband.  Sat next to an older man on our flight back to PA.  It’s fun learning from someone who has been all over the board of life.  Had a great conversation.
With that being said:
At heart, I’m an academic.  I’m a little rusty, but I can feel the quaking desire to be sitting in class listening to an incredible lecture. 
    When we move, our youngest will be school age freeing me up to hit the books again!  How I can’t wait.  But what to study?  Somehow I think I’m waiting for an undiscovered talent of mine to surface and ...well, give me something to focus on.  But so far, I’m going back and forth between journalism and massage school.  Don’t ask. 

    If only I was into math.  Uhg.  I’m still young, right?  ...don’t answer that.  Being a mom I’ve discovered undiscovered parts of myself!  Yeah, I didn’t know that was possible either.  Somehow, in order to keep a sense of identity I needed to set up reasonable goals for myself to achieve.  And through the process of setting these goals I’ve honed older talents and discovered new ones.  It’s amazing.  Although, I have to admit that I wish I were better at certain activities.  It’s fun to be creative...but when someone wants to pay you for your creativity, that’s even better.  yes, yes it is.  Amazing how the Almighty Dollar can give this stay at home mom an upward lift in her mood swing.

So, before I get completely lost in all my day dreaming.  I’m going to focus on the immediate task ahead.  Raising my children.  Helping my husband get through school by cooking him lots and lots of brain food...like Julia Child’s recipes.  Faithfully teaching my Sunday school students.  And well, in general just being a responsible adult.  That’s pretty fulfilling in itself.

O, oo, oooh, listen to the music.

I love California.  It's in my bones.  It's in my sensory memory.  At times, I can smell the pine or the crisp mountain air.  My skin can feel the prickle of the sun warming it.  

What is it about this place?  Maybe some people have bad memories attached to their home, so they try to forget it.  And if they were to try and recall special moments in their childhood they probably couldn't.  But I can, even down to the smells.  It's comforting.

The woods in California are attached to a very bright spot in my memory.  I love the mossy, speckled boulders, the huge redwoods with their fuzzy bark or the expansive cascading oaks.  And the rives that race down the mountain and knock against the rocks...it's overwhelming and it fills me to my core.

Nature is a force to be reckoned with even if you're just standing still in a clearing of trees.

And, nature is therapeutic.  I've started to appreciate it more and more.  When you live in a metro area, nature can be scary.  HAH.  It is!  You know why?

Nature doesn't make noise, it's not distracting or busy, keeping you from yourself.  It makes music.  But, you can only hear it if you're quiet.  Not just with your voice but in your mind and heart.  Beautiful.

         By nature, no pun intended, I am not a person who enjoys solitude or anything close to it.  So learning to be still long enough to let the peacefulness of the trees, grass, rives and ravines speak to me was a hard lesson to learn.  I've learned to set the city in me at rest so I can hear the songs nature has for me.  

                                    
                                     They are beautiful and can woo even the restless of souls.

I have "control" issues

I do.
And I'm not afraid to admit it.  There are certain aspects of my life that I take very, very seriously and won't rest until I know that everything is just so. 
Right now, we're in California, my birthplace and home, we flew in about two hours away from my mom's place.  That being said, in order to ensure a speedy drive home we split the troops in half.  Three people in one car and three people in the other.  Carpool lane here we come.  Well, our "speedy" drive home turned into another long, arduous trip.  It took us five hours instead of the normal two. 
Car #1:  Me, my sister and Roma.
Car#2: My mom, my brother and Cylas.

This is where the control freak in me starts to get freaky.  My kid is not in my car, therefore, I am feeling out of sorts.  He is a couple of car lengths back and we're in the worst traffic jam I've seen since we moved away two years ago.  I mean, please, compared to where we live, the middle of nowhere, the only traffic you're bound to see is a horse and buggy trotting along, holding up four cars...yeah.  

Soo, here is my heart in my mouth.  Yes.  I'm controlling protective.  But, I make sure to balance it out with letting other aspects in my life hang loose for a while.  Some days I won't vacuuming obsessively or clean constantly.  My house isn't perfect, but I like to make sure it's picked up and if I'm not walking around with a broom and a vacuum the house would be three feet under toys and crumbs.  No joke.

And when my babies are older, I will still be concerned for their welfare.  I'm not going to let them know how my heart trips a beat when I'm not exactly sure where they're at...or how it makes me smile to hear their voices as they chatter, or when they confide in me their concerns.  

In general, I like to know what's going on with my household and I try to find ways to make it run smoother.  People are so quick to judge.  They see me as the one who "runs the house" and have even openly accused me of it.  And I don't mean in a nice way like, "Oh, you are so organized and your family is just so blah, blah, blah."  I mean, like, I'm this dictatorial person and my husband is just a trinket that I dust off every now and then.  Not so.  Our house runs just the way it needs to because D and I are...wait for it...a united front.  Wow.  Who woulda thunk?  Yes, I may be more vocal than my husband, but that doesn't mean anything in the world of a unified marriage.  Well, yes, it does mean something.  It means that I talk a lot and poor D has to sit through it all like and act like he's ReeeAaally listening to me.  HAH.

And please, get that look off your face.  If you're aware the state this world is in...you suffer from "control" issues, too.

In my spare time there are things I do.

Yes!  I do things in my scattered moments of "me" time.  Today I found three hours to sew!  It was a glorious feeling.  Cylas was playing with the neighbor boy, Roma was toodling around and D was doing homework.

It felt good to release my creative energies on something so cute.  I haven't had time, recently.  These little suckers took three hours to make and I enjoyed every minute of it.

 

...even down to the little carrot on the snowman.  These ornaments just so happened to be going to a friend of mine down in FL.  She saw I had made monogrammed ones for my mom and sisters and asked if I could do something similar.  What a great little project to put into the middle of my Saturday afternoon.

Hello, goodbye '10.  You were good while you lasted!  Only two more weeks and these ornaments will be a momento to 365 days passed.
But they're still kinda cute...

...and then I was taking the...

I'm starting to feel like my life is a bunch of unfinished conversations.

One of the most annoying parts of being a mom, yes, I just said annoying, is the impossibility of completely finishing ones thought out loud. with another human.  Let alone your own inner thoughts.  The other day it was really quiet in the car, like only two minutes of silence, quiet, and Cylas, having quite enough of that, broke it.
"Mahm, let's talk about something."
Me: "Ok, like what?"
Cy:  "Horses." (said with the cutest little lisp attached to the "s"s.)
Me:  "Ok."
Cy:  "Yeah, like if the horses went underground in a hole.  They would see all kind of bugs, like beetles, and lady bugs, and worms..."
Me:  "Wow, the horse would have to be pretty small then."
Cy:  "What?  Pretty small?"

I don't think he liked my answer because he stopped talking for a few seconds -- only to start back up again completely ignoring my input. 

So, he's allowed to have all these little running thoughts that manage to collide into mine, completely changing their course or making me forget what I was thinking about in the first place.  BAHhumbug.  Yes, I'm totally selfish and would like to have my inner AND outer thoughts to myself sometimes.  And if I had a genie in a bottle, I would totally wish to finish all my unfinished convos from the past.  How cool would that be?  I know there are some pretty interesting danglers in my conversational past.

Hah.
The voice of convos past.
Sounds like the beginnings of a good book.

But for now, I will have to live with digging into a good convo and being interrupted, constantly, by this kid or that, by this fight or that, by this crash or that...or that, or that.

Wait, what was I saying... ?

Getting over the small stuff

Unfortunately, the small stuff can be hard to "get over".  More often than not, it's the small stuff that ruins relationships.  It's true.  

a mistunderstanding

poor communication

assumptions

idiocyncracies

cultural differences

I can't begin to truly list all of the contributing factors.  Just know, that each of those listed I have experienced.  The past couple of months have been extremely trying for me.  The other morning I was having breakfast with D and it hit me.  

Just. get. over. it

But it's sooo hard!  The more I thought about it, the more it made sense.  If I let all of the little stuff bug me and bug me until I can't bear to look at the person, all that little stuff will soon big a big pile.  A big pile of messy, icky, bad, feelings.  No good.  

I am, inherently, a very forgiving and loving person, so it makes it very hard for me to be angry at someone for very long.  Please, don't think you'll escape my extremely point blank opinion, though.  I may not be able to stay mad at you for long but you'll know how I feel about ....whatever it is. 

But, I think that in order for me to continue to grow, as a mature adult, learning the lesson of "getting over it" is inescapable.  *slump*  And so, so hard. 

While I am forgiving and whatnot, I'm also quite high strung.  So, when conflict arises I tend to jump into the fray without completely thinking things through.  Lately, I've made myself stop, for at least a minute, before I pitch in.  And you know what, I find that I don't NEED to contribute as much as I'd thought!  Wow.  It's a total diffuser...this newfangled concept of THINKING THINGS THROUGH.  Sheeeesh.  Why didn't anyone tell me this before??  I'm kind of diggin' it though.  

Listen

Wait

Filter your thoughts

And then: pitch in -- or not.

It works.  Trust me.

Yes, please. No, thank you.

I'm a sucker for a good book.  I'm an even BIGGER sucker for a good children's book.  And this one stole my heart from first glance.

Gimme that!  Give it!  Give that to me right now!!  Or, as we often say, in Russian, Дай мне.  Well, the only things these phrases have in common is -- their rudeness.  One of the most important tasks I have as a mother is to teach my children manners!  What a concept.  Our world is appalled and surprised by the breed of children that are being brought forth.  Wow.  And faaarr be it for me to add to the mayhem by raising two more heathens.  No sir.

And I suppose, just like the mom in this book, you could stumble upon a book of etiquette during your browse time in Borders or, just save yourself the $30 and go to your local library and pick one up!

This book brought to life the iconic Emily Post characters: Mrs. Worldly.  Mrs. Toplofty.  Mrs. Wellborn. The Kindharts.

What a crew. 

And I'm terribly in love with the protagonist.  Her hair.  I want to have Roma's hair coiffed just so -- giving her the feeling of movement even if she's sitting, sucking on a binky.

What a little rascal.  All of the children remain nameless but they should have called this one Jo (just like in Little Women).  They turned the tables on their poor mother causing her to stomp upstairs and stay there for "a long time." 

 

Somehow I can relate with the sentiment in this photo.  

Poor mom, trying to instill priceless virtues into her children and she was outwitted and outWAITed by her brood.  But, I wonder if she had started when they were younger would she have had the same challenges.  I think not.  So, don't frown at me when I chastise my children for not saying, "please, thank you, yes papa, no mama, yes (instead of WHAT!)"; or when I kindly remind my four year old that he must place his dishes in the sink when he's done, or to fold his pajamas in the morning.  And when I encourage my, almost, two year old to wipe her mouth when it's dirty. 

Mmm, early, but sweet beginnings for well mannered children.  What a breath of fresh air.  Now, my mom didn't raise us girls on Emily Post but on these books and these books.  They are such a bright spot in my childhood memory.  My mom still has them, come to think of it.  And soon my little boy will have the same sweet memories to add to his collection of "things my papa and mama did for me when I was a little boy".  

Thank you for the reminder, my nameless little Rascal...

 

Worth sharing...

As most of you know, I have more than one blog, I have more than two blogs.  I have three.  Embarrassing, but true.  

 Before you call me nuts...well, ok, you can...I do keep them all up to date!  My most recent post was this.  And I just had to share...because it was such a great cooking experience for me.

Enjoy

The will of a child

I'm not an expert.  I'm just a mom with four and a half years of experience.  Ok, if you're unimpressed, go ahead, click the "x".  But, if you're willing to hear me out, we're in for an opinionated ride together.

D and I have read books on how to raise children.  They have been goldmines.  I honestly believe that some of the stuff that should just be "common sense" is some of the hardest to come by unless it's written out for you.  Invaluable material.  From these books, past experiences, the bible and trial and error we have diligently raised our children to the best of our ability.  You know your work is paying off when random strangers come up and compliment not only your family, but your children!  Tears come to my eyes as I think about this.  Our children, as I have written about before, are our heart and soul manifested.  They magnify your idiosyncrasies exposing what you wish no one knew existed behind your "calm", "gentle", seemingly "patient", loving demeanor.  Yes, your kids are the billboard of what you do behind closed doors.  Can someone say, "Jumbo-tron"?    

Now, the will, what a crucial part of a child's make up.  It's either strong or just "there".  I don't believe that children have "weak" wills because if they want to do something they WILL.  It's just that some are little less forceful in their attempts.

I happen to be the proud mother of two willful children.  They will do what they want within the perimeters of our house rules.  Cylas is a curious type.  He explores, discovers, experiments and is very imaginative.  While he has all of these great qualities, I find him to be needy in certain areas.  Now, Romalise, at this point, is a little mimicker.  It doesn't mean she isn't full of it, because she is.  If things don't go her way, there is much screaming and thrashing about...which results in well, a nice little reminder that such behavior is unacceptable.  So, this is where I start walking this little, thin line of BALANCE.  So finicky, this line.  Too much and you're "off base" and too little means you're "missing the mark".  Ahg!

Children are so keen.  They know how to push you into giving them what they want.  Once they discover how to "win", it's game on.  Good luck getting the ball back in your court.  Shoot.  They may be little, have no experience in the "real world" but they sure know how to strip you of your sanity, self-control, patience, the ability to regulate the tone of your voice...seriously?  Those. little. buggers.  So, I've found that in order to combat this...tragedy of parental mental break-down, I must be consistent.  If I say "no", I stick with it.  It doesn't matter.  No = No.  Simple!  (hahahah).  Yeeeah, I'm doing ok.  Tested. Tried. Still barely standing.

A child's will is tender and ready to be formed...just so.  The experiences your babies have with your direction/correction in their lives will ultimately form their opinion of authority in general.  Wow.  That should make us all pause and think.  What am I doing, right now, to introduce my child/ren to this inescapable part of reality?  Adults, too, manifest their childhood encounter with "authority".  Sometimes it's appalling, sometimes it's a crying shame, sometimes it's hurtful...to see how they treat the authority in their adult lives.  Tsk, tsk... (now, I warned you all that this was going to be opinionated).  Hope you all are still with me...hang in there, just about done with this soapbox.

There is so much to write, but I will save it for another post.  For now, I leave you with this:

We, as parents, are their first taste of authority and structure.  Let's make it a great one...correct your babies in love, not in anger.  Take a moment to stop, think about what you're about to do, if you have to, leave the room...it works.  Stuff like that doesn't go without paying you back ten-fold and in spades.

The beauty of growth

There is nothing more satisfying than growth.  Spring.  Finally, up from the ground come all those sleeping bulbs, warming the air with their colors and filling your nose with the scent of life.

Yes.  Beauty.

But for some reason, even in the dead of winter, (not that it's winter...) the satisfaction of knowing YOU have grown can have the same effect.  So inspiring.  I have had several such moments during our time here.  Today I felt another "stop and smell the flowers" moment happening.  And I did stop.  I smiled and felt so beautiful inside.  What is on the inside will come out.  Don't you doubt it for a second.  We can only keep our nature hidden for so long. 

I have been tested here, in PA, in so many ways.  Never imagined some of the ways I would be tested and each time it happens, I find myself thanking God for the wonderful upbringing I've had.  Gracious.  It has gotten me through some sticky situations.  My heart yearns to be open, ready, pure, teachable, loving, forgiving, loyal, true...and I think that all of those desires have been tried at one point or another.  But it's paying off, my determination. 

I have found solace in prayer, bible reading, and positive thinking.  And I have to thank my husband for being the level in my life.  

But getting "beautiful" on the inside isn't easy.  You take low blows, you lose friends, while loneliness becomes and old friend, but in the end, it's so worth it.  So, I'll just stick with this whole "inward growth" thing because it's not just beneficial for me but for my children, too.

A huge thank you to my Sunday school teachers, mentors, and home church for this wonderful foundation that I'm working off of...

Love Hate Relationships

We all have them.  Mainly with people...and exercise.  But mine is with cleaning.  It's something I do everyday.  Everyday.  If I don't, there will be horrible repercussions.  An insanely messy house with children who are half naked because I'm not doing laundry because I'm sick of doing laundry, a husband who is eating out of the pan because the dishes aren't clean because I didn't feel like doing them -- because I always wash the dishes.  See what I mean?  It's not worth the "break".  Dishes don't care if you're tired and laundry gets ranky stanky if you don't take care of it!
   These photos are from this morning.  This is what my house looks like on a normal day.  Cy's room is a mess with pockets of clean...like this shelf.  I love how neatly the books set.

 And this coloring book basket.  So tidy.

 The front room is pretty clean.  Most of the time.  There are days when Cylas converts it to a full on fort.  And I let him until my nerves can't handle it any longer.

And my kitchen *sigh*  it's always a work in progress.  There is something to be cooked or cleaned in there, always...

But, admittedly, there are days when I'm cleaning that I feel happy.  Odd?  Yes, but having a clean home is something I'm proud to say I have.  My children enjoy it too and are starting to create clean habits of their own.  Roma MUST have a "wyy" (a napkin) during dinner, Cylas doesn't like it if his room is messy for too long he starts rearranging and putting his toys away.  Recently, I've started him with folding his own clothing and putting them away.  It helps me out a lot.  Roma...well, she isn't quite two, but soon she'll have her own mini chores, right now it's just keeping track of her binky...she's amazingly good at that.  She loves her "fuh".  *for all my Russian readers it's short for соска*

So, I love my house when it's clean.  I hate that fact it doesn't stay that way.  But I love how I feel at a job well done, in the same breath I hate the constant cycle. 

But what is better than a clean house with a happy husband, children, healthy dinner and hot tea with sugar cookies on the side?  

Nothing I tell ya'... 

Best Friends

My best friends.  I think I will describe them to you before I do the "reveal".  They sound much more interesting this way.

One of my best friends is no taller than my waist.   The other has a collection of dead insects.
One of my best friends poops, like, three times a day.  The other makes forts for bad guys and super heroes.
One of my best friends doesn't speak.  The other insists on wearing Iron Man underwear.
One of my best friends gives kisses at random intervals.  The other has imaginary friends like "Hoo" and "Goo-ah".

  Today I was out with my best friends at Subway, our fav place to chill and have a healthy "on-the-go" lunch, when I was approached by one of the employees.  She complimented me on my children and told me I was "such a good mother".  Didn't quite know what to say.  Sometimes I'm a little speechless when people offer such opinions of me.  They don't know me.  But, they do see my children and how they react and interact to and with me, so maybe that's how they form their idea of who I am and what kind of mother I am to my children.  

Either way, I just smiled and nodded.  But then I stopped smiling as she told me about her own daughter who refused to raised the child she brought into this world.  How her daughter was raped at fourteen and now, she, Grandma, is raising her almost twelve year old granddaughter "M".  She lamented at her daughter's lack of desire to be a mother as she proudly showed me her keychain with a school picture of "M".  Emotional sandwich today at Subway, that's for sure.  

It just brought me back down to earth.  Plucked me right out of my BFF cloud and slapped me in the face.  Not everyone has the same "mother" story.   Everyone is different.  Not everyone wants to be a mom, not everyone chooses to be a mom, some people have bodies that won't LET them be a mom...and yet, here I am, sitting in Subway, getting sticky kisses and soft whispers, Sunchips on my shoulders, chocolate milk spilled on my side of the table.  And I'm ok with it.  I love it.  Not only that, but my children are my best friends!  They whisper sweet secrets and touch my face tenderly with grubby fingers.  They want to snuggle in bed with me.  They look for me when I'm out of sight.   They seek my approval.

I am so blessed.  I chose to be a mom.  I chose to set myself aside for the next 18 + years and pour all of what I am into these two, small, innocent beings.  My best friends, at that.  

Cylas.

Romalise. 

The two best friends a mom could ever have.

My Definition

 

Me Defined.   

I don't play.  There are too many ways to live your "own life" nowadays.  People justify their indiscretions by using the age old excuse, "well, if s/he hadn't done this...I wouldn't have done...blah, blah."  Please.  Now, the tone of this post is going to sound a little harsh and I don't pull out this side of me very often but, I feel the need to share.

When I first became a mom four years ago (four!??), I was completely out of my element.  I was so lost it was laughable.  I knew the basic duties of being a mother.  Feed, change diaper, change clothing, bathe...but after that...what was I supposed to do?  Well, I started figuring it out really quickly when little tantrums started popping up.  I needed to train my child.  And once my child was trained, I could add to my child's life additional skills, people, social, and ethics.  But my child needed a firm foundation from which to build off of.  

Oh.  So THAT'S what else I needed to be doing other than the basic "let's-keep-this-child-from-starving" mothering.  Hmm, more than meets the eye. 

But.  and this is going to be a big one.  How does one put into their child what they, as individuals, are lacking? Before I give the impression that I was a hedonistic, barbaric neanderthal, I wasn't.  But, I was a little rough around the edges.

Let's jump ahead to the present.  Now, I have worked on myself for the past few years to make sure I'm the best example my son and daughter could have to pattern themselves after.  I can't wait for the day my babies whisper in my ear, "Mommy, I wanna be just like you."  

So, they define me.  If you want to know who I am.  Look at my children.  I am putting all of me into them.  Not only me, but my husband too.  They are me and I am them.  I don't have time to make excuses for my short-comings there isn't enough time in the day.  I need to FIX those parts of me because my children are counting on me.  I would rather err on the side of caution than to risk it all because of semantics.  So, call me what you may, prudish, close-minded, rude, judgemental but you aren't in my house.  My children are my responsibility and, ultimately,  I have to answer for the way I raised them. 

God.  Help me.  Amen.

Compare and Contrast

   Why is it that I, as a mother, feel the need to compare myself to other mothers?  It's getting annoying.  I catch myself comparing how my fellow moms work with their children at home doing things like:  ABC's, 123's, writing, crafts.  Good lord.  I do minimal amounts of these types of activities with my children.  Yes.  I'm horrible like that.  I don't sit down with my kid every. single. day and go over these important skill builders.  I wish I was more disciplined.

No.  Instead.  My kid plays outside almost all day long with his buddy.  They build sand castles, they ride bikes, the play cops and robbers, build forts with my couch and ALL the spare blankets and pretend to play chess.  And then, there are the days where I sit down and we sing the ABC's, we count, we name the shapes and colors we draw and we practice counting and saying our ABC's in Russian.  It's just not every day.  I show him how to run my computer.  I send him out to collect the eggs and feed the chickens our fruit scraps.  And when Papa comes home out come the Play-dough, the model ships to construct, the kites to fly, the paper pirate hats made from newspaper and all the crafty activities.

As of late, Cylas has expressed intense interest in helping me cook.  So, we mix the flour, sugar, and eggs to make pancakes, we pour the batter together to form the little rounds.  Or, he'll pour the pre-measured seasonings into what ever dish I'm making.  We'll discuss and smell all of the ingredients going into the night's dinner.  That's what I do.  I'm not a super mom, I'm not a homeschooling mom.  I'm just a mom.  

My house gets messy.  Cluttery.  Annoying.  My kids scream, fight and cry.  My little boy wets the bed every now and then, my laundry over flows, my little girl takes baths in the toilet.  But I still have all my hair, my children are loved unconditionally and our home is a haven.  A safe one, at that.  I spend my days training my children, showing them how to love and be loved, teaching them the importance of communicating, how to be respectful...

Wow.  From my vantage point, it looks like I'm raising well-rounded, responsible citizens.  ok, ok, I'll quit comparing myself.  I'm not a bad mom...I'm raising my children differently.

Mommy Time/ Me time

Where do I start?  Because, honestly, those are foreign phrases in my book.  Well, ok, truth be told, they are not so much foreign as they are a rarity.  And, as I said in my last post, every situation is different.  At this point in my life, my children are still young and not in school.  Therefore, I am with them 24/7.  Seriously.  I go through guilty spells where I am thoroughly convinced that taking out time for myself is unacceptable.  I have two VERY distinct sides:  My mommy side loves being with my babies and couldn't imagine a day without them and my "oh-to-be-young-again" side pops its carefree, wild curled head up and wishes loudly that it could just, "TAKE A BREAK!!".  But I can't.  I tried it once.  

I mean, like a REAL break not just getting together with a girlfriend after NINE PM to take an hour to myself.  I went away with a friend for a weekend.  Just me.  Her.  And the lights of NYC.  Talk about the memory of a life time and yet I couldn't enjoy myself completely.  Uhg.  SO annooyinnngg.  Let's be honest, who sits through almost the whole show of Phantom Of The Opera, on Broadway no less(!), thinking about their children and wondering if they're fed, bathed and scrape free??  Me.  That's who.  Pa.thetic.  

I'm a hopeless romantic mom-antic.  There are times when I invent my own mom time and it is usually in the car.  For some reason, whenever I'm in the car with my kids I start to zone and think about ...whatever... I don't even know.  All I know is that my brain sort of takes its own course and I follow along mindlessly.  But, this also happens to be the time when Cylas is most chatty.  CHATT.Y!!  He will yammer non-stop for the duration of our drive and I'm batty by the end although I took a mental leave of absence.  I still responded faintly to his garbled conversation.  See.  I'm totally backward.  DON'T ignore your children, Misha!!  Bleh.  But I'm holding out a hope that once my babies are in school I will welcome the sweet hours of silence I have to myself and it won't be so hard to go off for the weekend and leave them with the grandparents.  *breath in, breath out*  Wow, I can't imagine myself at that point.  Leaving my children to survive without me.  Without me.  Maybe I'm putting the worth of my value too high.  Maybe not.  Maybe being a mom IS what it's all about. (with a few breaks in between!)

Ohk, I know this photo has absolutely nothing to do with my post BUT itwaspotentiallyacutepicandDruineditandheshouldbeembarassed.

Love you, hunny.

Stay at Home Mom = Lazy

Yes, I was called lazy because I am a stay at home mom.  No words.  Absolutely no words for such an ignorant comment....well, at the time I was speechless.  But now, I would like to dedicate this whole post to those who are under the unfortunate misconception that just because a mom is at home she is lazy. 

First of all, every mother’s situation is different from the size of their house, to why they are at home (by choice or request), to the size of their brood, to the ages in their brood and even down to the neighborhood (or lack thereof in my case) they live in, either the city/country. 

Cleaning is never ending because we live in farm country and the dirt is everywhere, which means it gets super dusty super fast, and I’m constantly interrupted by fights, boo-boos, doorbells, phone calls, crabby baby let-me-hang-off-your-leg, potty training accidents (including poop).  It’s not easy to clean the house.  Some rooms suffer a bit.  Namely, mama and papa’s room.  It gets a little dusty.  Bed is made, but everything else is left alone until I have the time to deep clean.  Contrary to the growing popular opinion that cleaning just “takes a second”, my level of cleaning takes me quite some time.  Our bathrooms, and proudly so, are urine stink-free.  ( I have an insane paranoia of pee-pee smell in the bathroom)  My sinks are scrubbed regularly, and the floors are constantly vacuumed.  Now, I have wood floors so they also need to be mopped regularly.  Uhm.  That part isn’t done so regularly.  I do spot clean if there is a tragic mess..mostly potty or milk.  But it usually takes me about a week until I next mop.  Now we have rules in the house that there is no eating anywhere else but the kitchen and only tippy cups allowed if you're thirsty and want to walk around, so this helps with the damage control and my sanity.  Two birds with one stone.  Two very FINICKY birds at that.

 My job description includes cleaning a three bedroom, tri-level home with three bathrooms.  Some moms only have one story homes.  Every situation is different!  My four year old is very, very imaginative and can create messes out of thin air.  We went to a restaurant the other evening and we left with a TAKEOUT BOX full of clam shells.  The next morning they were spread neatly over the kitchen counter.  They are his friends and far be it from me to be inhospitable and demand they seek sanctuary somewhere other than my kitchen counter!!  And Roma, I still have to strip her down when she eats.  So, put two and two together and that means her highchair is a noodly, cheesy, cracker crumbly mess.  Mess.  Clean.  Mess. Clean.  Story of my life.  It's a fact!
I get myself dressed.  I get them dressed.  I brush their teeth.  I brush my teeth.  I bathe them.  I shower.  I feed them, I hug them, I play with them.  I change diapers.

In the end, it’s what you do with your time.  I have maybe an hour to myself in a day’s time.  It shouldn’t be a contest to see who has more work to do but it’s about what you do with what you have.

... Even if it means taking a break and being silly with your resident mess makers.  Enjoy it because they can only be this age once.  And how will they remember their mommy?  A crabby woman who constantly cleaned, or a creative mommy who didn't mind making messes with them every once in a while.

Falling in love all over again...

No, not with my husband because that's just something I do every day.  I'm talking about books. 

I need to re-learn how to appreciate books.  My love for them hasn’t died but the amount of time I have for them has.  The last time I completed a book cover to tail...please.  There is no live memory for that.

As it stands, I’m listening to books on tape, a cheap stand in for the real thing, as I do dishes, fold laundry and clean bathrooms.  There has to be some way for me to get in a good read.  Well, this is what I tell myself every time I go to the library and find three or four good books I want to dig into.  The fourteen day check out limit passes.  I renew.  The fourteen day check out limit passes -- again.  I renew.  This goes on for about a month...and a half, and then I just give up.  It almost feels like I’ve buried an old friend every time I return those books unread.  Sad parting -- but necessary, because fines don’t care who you are or how attached you are to Bernard Cornwell or David Baldacci. 
If only there was a library fairy, I’d make a wish that each week I could effectively speed read through all the latest new releases from my favorite authors.  The library and I.  We  have a thang goin’ on.  And it takes me as I am.  Late fees and all.  It also loves my children and husband, too.  It tends to swallow us all up every time we come, two hours passes so easily, and we enjoy every submerged moment.  Sitting on the floor reading books to my babies, joining other moms and babies during story time, doing crafts, playing computer games, building with the jumbo legos.  Nothing like it. 

But I’m still waiting for the day when it’s just me. my book. two hours of silence. and a comfortable chair.  BLiss. 

The continuation of the crazed coupon-er's savings

And so, I'm not just crazy with saving money in my pantry but also with household items.  But, first things first.

Freezing your veggies:
Choose your fav veggies.  Bring a pot of water to an active boil and dump in your fresh green beans, bell peppers(best to buy them when they are on sale for freezing purposes), broccoli, asparagus...etc.  Make sure they are chopped, diced or minced how you like them.  Let them boil for approx three minutes.  You don't want them to fully cook.  Then, quickly, dump them into a colander/strainer and run them under cold water.  This is called blanching.  A fool proof method and way easier than canning!  Make sure to mark the date on your freezer bag, along with the name of which veggie.  Voila.

Potatoes and Rice -- Now, I mentioned potatoes and rice.  First, I have often frozen a batch of mashed potatoes but there is another way to freeze your taters.  Dice them and wait for your water to boil.  Dump them in for 3-5 minutes.  Once they're done let them set in icy water for 5-10 minutes.  Package and freeze.  So easy and it saves you from having to throw out your potatoes because they have eyes growing in their heads...

Rice -- Well, the only experience I have with freezing rice is with a certain Russian dish I make, Ploff/Plov.  I make a huge batch of this dish and then freeze the rest.  How many times...too many to count and the turn out has been great upon the re-heat.  You can freeze rice casseroles, too.  Wait, I just remembered that I've frozen just pain white rice.  Either way, it's fully cooked when it goes into the freezer.

 
No, you're not looking at a shelf in CVS or Walgreen's.  But this is my laundry closet.  Eight, yes, eight bottles of detergent.  There is one hiding in the back...And half of those I got for free.  They run close to $8 for the smaller bottles and $12 for the larger.  I don't pay more than $5.99 for the smaller bottle.  CVS is my friend.  I get amazing coupons for being a member of their rewards system on top of clipping coupons from the Sunday paper.  I wouldn't recommending stepping two feet inside that store without a coupon...they are just too expensive otherwise.  But, you couldn't find better deals when you're armed and ready.

All together now...the underside of my kitchen sink is lined with dish soaps!  Dishwasher and dishwashing.  I also have an arsenal of Clorox spray bottles, Clorox wipes, and all other sorts of cleaning paraphernalia.  And, once again, half of it was free.
The beauty of couponing is your coupons usually coincide with your local grocers sales.  And, if some of the coupons you clip don't match with the sales the store is having that week, don't worry because the next week they will match.  It's a game and you have to be smarter than the system.  Make them pay you.

I do.  I get free money every time I push my cart down the aisles.

This is how I shop. Like a crazed coupon clipper who listens to the rhythm of her pantry.

It took me over the course of six months to get this crazy.  Mad hunting for coupons, sitting the library filtering through miralax, puppy chow and Excedrin coupons to find the gold nugget -- .55cents off Land o' Lakes Butter.  Yes, I'm that crazy.  But I don't mind.  Even my four year old understands how important those "coopuns" are to me.  I faithfully buy two, yes two, Sunday papers.  One from the town I live in and one from a neighboring town.  The coupons are not always the same in each paper.  The $3.25 I shell out every Sunday, except for Holidays because they don't print coupons, pays for its self ten, sometimes twenty times over.  

So, that is step one.  TWO papers, every Sunday.  Not too shabby.  Because I know when I go shopping I will save NO less than $30.  The most I have ever saved in one go was $98.  Yeah.  I gulped.  Waited until I was outside, did the shout dance and called my husband.

Now, on to the nitty gritty.

Here is a list of items that I buy consistently to stock:
Chicken broth/ Beef Broth
Cream of Mushroom, chicken, celery
Tomato sauce, paste and diced tomatoes
Beans (black, pinto and pink)
Noodles (jumbo shells, mini penne, vermicelli)
Tuna
Marinated artichoke hearts (for casseroles)
Salsa
Ketchup
French Fried Onions
Water Chestnuts
Jelly
Oatmeal
Cream of Wheat
Juice
Flour (depending on how often you use it, I now make my own pancake batter so I tend to use a little more)

Here is a list of the items I buy to freeze:
Shredded cheese (sharp, mild cheddar, colby jack, mozzarella, parmesean)
Bread
Bacon
Butter (yes, I freeze butter)
Chicken
Pork (shoulder, and center cut pieces, labeled frozen and cut according to how much we eat)
Ground Turkey rounds
Bell Peppers
Broccoli
Potatoes (if I made too many mashed potatoes over dinner, I freeze the remainder...I will go more into depth about other ways to freeze your 'taters')
Rice (more on this later)
Asparagus
Green Onions
Store bought, Pre-bagged mixed veggies (for soups and stir frys)

Store bought, Pre-bagged frozen corn (for soups)

Ok, there is SO much to talk about concerning these lists.  I buy a whole lot more than what I listed, but it varies.  It depends on what type of foods I'm cooking and what time of year it is.  I tend to buy more beans and frozen corn in the winter...all of the soups I make.  And in the summer I buy more hamburger buns(bread) and ketchup.  Either way, you will find the rhythm of your pantry.
One trick is to -- take advantage of the B1G1.  That is: BUY ONE GET ONE FREE.  Shoot.  If it's something you use a lot, get it!  Especially if it has a long shelf life like: ketchup, soy sauce, juice, mayo.  Also, the bread( know it doesn't have a lot of shelf life but it's expensive and is frequently B1G1).  We eat a fair amount of bread.  Not so much sandwich breads but when it's on sale I buy three loaves and pop two in the freezer.

O. that's the other thing.  My freezer. 
It's a life saver/money saver.  Invest in a freezer.  There has to be some room in the garage for a small freezer.  That's what makes all of my "stocking up" work so well.  My freezer.

Back to the food...  It also comes in handy to freeze your leftovers.  I make rather large batches of homemade spaghetti sauce, chili, ploff and a few other things.  How many times have I NOT wanted to make dinner, or, been a little short on ingredients and it's not convenient to run to the store?  Too many.  So, I pull out my reserves and dinner is served!

I am going to stop here and do a second post on how to freeze some of these veggies.  And also talk about some of the other non-food items I stock up on.  I don't want to system overload everyone.  I hope this has been helpful.  If you have any questions...

Food

      I totally want to do a whole post on food.  Foods that I've never heard of, until recently.  Why I'm afraid to try them?  But, I'm very, very tempted to start spreading my palate (or making my tongue fat).  I think I have a rather large taste-base.  But, I don't think it's very diverse or sophisticated.  Mostly, I stick to basic ingredients.  I'm not much of a gourmet cook.  It's fun to try new recipes, mostly the ones that have ingredients I'm familiar with.  I serve a lot of Russian and Latin foods at home and we have worked hard to make sure our children love veggies.  Asparagus, Broccoli, Leafy Greens, Zucchini, Cucumber, Bell Pepper and such like, you have 'em, they'll eat 'em. 
      My seasonings are basic: salt, pepper, basil, oregano, parsley, garlic, onion, cayenne pepper, chicken bullion, cumin, bay leaves, coriander...
See, all of those I'm sure you've heard of.  So, now, here I am surfing the net.  Submerging myself in the world of the blogging foodie moms and feeling a little stupid because I don't know WHAT in the world a cippolini onion is, or pecorino cheese, a meyer lemon, uhm, semolina flour, and frisée lardon is beyond me.  I feel so inadequate as a cook.  Is there hope for me?  I think I just made a pact with myself, while I was doing dishes, after torturing my mind with all the things I don't know about cooking.

"You need to expand your family's palate."  (I'm talking to myself at this point...more like inaudible mumblings)

"Get brave, go to the store and just do it!"
"But that's sooo scary!  Some of those things we might not like and then there goes a whole meal down the drain."
" Ok, fine, then don't do it.  Wait, ok, do it, but try it in small increments, first."

And so the convo went for a while until I settled on the recipe that I would make to introduce our family to new tastes, and stuff.  *gulp*

Anyone up for some Potato Gratin With Broccoli/Kale Pesto And Balsamic Shallots?
Yeah, I know, sounds kinda cool.  I've never made pesto before.  We shall see what we shall see.  Right?

Ultra

So, I was skimming through the news online and I came across this clip about an Ultra-marathoner.  For those of you who know me, I have recently developed an affinity for running.  I will run at any time of the day, and in most weather including snow, but I prefer late afternoon when there is a breeze and it isn't blistering hot or freezing cold.  Ok, so that is NEVER the case in my neck of the woods, so, I have to settle for dusk when D is home from school so he can watch the babies.  And I run.  It feels so good.  Almost like drinking an energy drink, only better and without the crashing part afterward.   But, so, back to this Ultra-marathoner.  This particular lady is training to run 130 miles.  Nonstop.  One.hundred.thirty miles.  I thought it was a mistake.  But it's not and she's doing it.  With one leg.  She lost her other leg in a crash.  One leg.  She is a single mom and an Ultra-marathoner. 

Now, I'm not even close to running a real marathon, although I've set my goals, but I am, most definitely, an Ultra-mom.  And I kinda like it.  I'm growing into my position, through much difficulty learning patience, and finding that I cherish my mornings when I can stare at my little babies sleeping, snoring and making smacking sounds with their pudgy little lips.  I enjoy playing baseball and basketball with my little boy and running with him.  He is very much the runner now and he wears his special shoes every time.

They are watersocks.  Meant for wearing while you go swimming...not running.  But he doesn't care.  He thinks they make him run faster and he demonstrates his super speed for me every time before we set off together.  Of course, I bring the stroller because he's tired by the time we reach the next light pole but it's priceless.  He is so earnest, "Mahm, wess go wunning!"

And I enjoy making faces with my little girl, touching noses, munching on her soft little ears and humming together.  She and I sing together.  Our own little songs and she'll dance.  Her chubby little feet slapping on the wood floors.  We chase each other around the house and laugh and hide and scream.  That's the other thing we do.  We'll stand in the kitchen and shrill back and forth until one of us giggles.  

  Now, I may only have two children, so I might not be amongst the highest ranks of Ultra-momness but I've earned a few medals.  Like, the one where I stayed up 23 hours straight two days after giving birth to my precious little Romalise.  I was nursing everyone in the house back to health from a nasty flu.  And the one where I was getting up every hour, on the hour changing off between a screaming toddler and a screaming baby, and D...my wonderful D sleeping through this whole mess of a night.  And yes, I did make breakfast in the morning.  So, no, I can't run 130 miles, but I can clean up splattered poop, puke and food faster than you've ever seen.  I can stay up nursing my family back to health and clean the whole house the next day.  I can make dinner, kiss boo-boos, wipe away tears, sing, smile and love...

I'm an Ultra-mom.  And I know I'm not alone.

It's a battle. Who am I?

I'm a mother.  Wife.  Lover to my husband.  Educated woman.  Individual?  I don't know.  I am all things to all my little people -- and husband.  I am a homemaker.  I have the immune system of an elephant.  My ears rival that of the most fiercest land predator.  I have a sixth sense you don't want to mess with.  But, an individual?  Still don't know.  My voice has calming powers.  My hands have healing powers.  My eyes can freeze a three year old mid-step.  But being my own person?  Uhg.  THAT thing again?  Battling with knowing where I stop and start as an individual is a conundrum.  A huge one.  It's ok to have goals -- I tell myself this all the time.  I have even secretly written down a page full of endeavors I want to accomplish.  It's ok -- I tell myself -- to have these unpublished desires.  But every now and then I think my mind likes to play tricks on me.  The urge to take a job gets really, really strong.  So strong, my computer starts popping up websites that advertise positions available in all the fields I'm interested in *clears throat*.  It does...I promise. 

And then, it hit me.  The line is where ever I draw it.  Until I re-draw it.  So for now, a job is about two years away, heading back to school even further and well, a hoard of other things will just-have-to-wait.  And that's ok.  But it's not easy.  My heart wants so badly to do these little projects but just as badly it yearns to be with my babies.  Some things in life can never replace watching your baby roll over for the first time, go potty in the toilet like a big boy, brush her teeth like a big girl, having your baby sing in your ear and coo -- it is priceless.
 
So, my pedicure can wait.  I mean, all those other important things I talked about.

Skinny Slims

So, Cylas has done it again.  He has successfully grown out of nearly every pair of pants he owns.   His church pants...well, I'm just milking the last few weeks out of them.  So, I decided to recycle a pair of men's pants and create a pair of slimmies for my little boy.  It wasn't easy, but it wasn't too hard, either.  I found a tutorial online and I set my sights high.  First, I went, well, I had D go, to the thrift store and pick up a couple pairs of sacrificial pants so I could try my hand at re-fashioning them into a pair of slacks for my little mister.  And today, at my lesson, Ethel and I tore into them and came out with a fantastic pair of boys slacks!!  She was so surprised that the re-fashioning worked as well as it did.

 

I wish I had had the sense to take a picture of the "before" pair of pants.  They were a size 34x32.  The first thing I did to them was take the belt loops and the waist band off.  Once that was done, I cut the inseam and the outer seam of the pant.  Then, I put my modified pattern on and cut out a size 4t.  It was a little rough at first because the pattern I was working with was sized for a 2t.  Uhg.  Why do I always bite off more than I can chew?

 

  

Ethel kept me focused and at the end of two and a half hours we finished everything but the waist band!  So proud of myself.

And why is it that I'm more prone to do things backwards?  *tsk, tsk* I'm glad Ethel was there to keep it all going in the right direction.  It will take time for me to get comfortable with myself, the machine, the material, the scissors.  Sheesh.  But, here is a picture of the semi-finished product!!  The top of the pants look funky because I'm not done with the waist band.  I can't wait to do another pair of these!!