Warning: Personal...but, this is my journal of sorts...
I'm sure you all can guess what that sound is, right? Yeah, that's my kindness muscle. For the most part I'm a pretty good person...well, I thought I was until someone called me names.
They hurt really, really bad and I still think about them. It happened three months ago and every day since then I have worked on myself to prove that person wrong. I am NOT selfish, insensitive or self-centered. It's all that runs through my mind these days.
Amazing how one person's words can have such a deep affect. In everything I do, I contemplate my motives and it doesn't matter..."you're selfish and self-centered" keeps ringing through my mind. Torrrtuurrous. Uhg. Feels like I've been hit in the head with a gong and there is a constant ringing in my noggin.
Tonight I'm going over to a woman's house, who I met through my photography business, to give her some spaghetti. She injured her back and hasn't been able to move. She has two children and usually works a full time job. Stressful.
You would think that the thought of giving to someone in need would brighten my mental storm, but it's not. I can't do enough good to erase those words. These past few months I have stepped outside my "comfort zone" more than ever. It's fun, and scary, worth it, but those words don't stop.
I sort of feel like crying as I type this because...wow, words DO hurt. Silly, silly and foolish was the person who said, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me". Some things just don't heal...ever.
So, if you have a cross word with someone, measure them carefully before you spill it. You don't know how deep those words will plunge or what affect they will have...I'm strong and I will get through it, but for now, it hurts and it's really, really hard. Sometimes, I wish I could go back and change that day in my life...maybe. Maybe not, because it's what gave me the nudge I needed to give of myself more.
So, maybe I should thank this person instead. I will never say cruel harsh words to another person, especially my children. One can only imagine what it would do to an innocent mind. It's ok to tell someone how you feel, but think first...
Thank you.
2 comments:
Misha, I know I can't undo the wound that person inflicted. But I cannot read this and sit silent. You have gone the extra mile with me, and I owe you so much. I don't know that I could even repay you. You have never displayed a selfish nature with me.
Thank you, Jana. This has truly been a test for me. I know that we all can show our "best side" and hide our icky side...but being who I am isn't easily hidden. My thoughts and emotions are quite easy to read, so if this person saw a "selfish, self-centered" side to me then everyone else I know does, too. But no one has told me...even my closest of friends. I have parts of me that I need to work on, but purposefully inflicting pain on someone by being selfish is NOT one of them.
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