Streeeecchhh

Warning:  Personal...but, this is my journal of sorts...

I'm sure you all can guess what that sound is, right?  Yeah, that's my kindness muscle.  For the most part I'm a pretty good person...well, I thought I was until someone called me names.  

They hurt really, really bad and I still think about them.  It happened three months ago and every day since then I have worked on myself to prove that person wrong.  I am NOT selfish, insensitive or self-centered.  It's all that runs through my mind these days.  

Amazing how one person's words can have such a deep affect.  In everything I do, I contemplate my motives and it doesn't matter..."you're selfish and self-centered" keeps ringing through my mind.  Torrrtuurrous.  Uhg.  Feels like I've been hit in the head with a gong and there is a constant ringing in my noggin. 

Tonight I'm going over to a woman's house, who I met through my photography business, to give her some spaghetti.  She injured her back and hasn't been able to move.  She has two children and usually works a full time job.  Stressful.

You would think that the thought of giving to someone in need would brighten my mental storm, but it's not.  I can't do enough good to erase those words.  These past few months I have stepped outside my "comfort zone" more than ever.  It's fun, and scary, worth it, but those words don't stop.

I sort of feel like crying as I type this because...wow, words DO hurt.  Silly, silly and foolish was the person who said, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me".  Some things just don't heal...ever.

So, if you have a cross word with someone, measure them carefully before you spill it.  You don't know how deep those words will plunge or what affect they will have...I'm strong and I will get through it, but for now, it hurts and it's really, really hard.  Sometimes, I wish I could go back and change that day in my life...maybe.  Maybe not, because it's what gave me the nudge I needed to give of myself more.

So, maybe I should thank this person instead.  I will never say cruel harsh words to another person, especially my children.  One can only imagine what it would do to an innocent mind.  It's ok to tell someone how you feel, but think first...

Thank you.

It's about you and me

Sometimes I go into overload.  It's too much, really, and I can't stand it when I do this to myself.
But, it happened again.
Got to thinking about relationships and what they mean.  What a HUGE part of our existence as humans.
Right now, I have a couple of new relationships in my life that are developing beautifully.  Oooh and they are so exciting.

Cylas is my buddy.  We talk about a lot of things.  I am raising him to trust in our relationship.  He knows that he can tell me things and I won't scoff at his concerns or walk away while he's talking to me, or any myriad of things that create frustration and ultimately a distrust.  There is so much to talk about concerning him, but I'm going to move on.

Then there is my little Roma.

What a little petal she is.  She's only two so there isn't much intelligible conversation between us, but she sure does love me!  We snuggle, giggle and sing together.  It's fun and that is where our trust is being built...in the snuggles and giggles,  book reading and wrestling.

But, unfortunately, I also have to concern myself with the real world.  Adults.  All of their problems.  Ick.

The other night I had the most encouraging talk with my husband.  It was a simple exchange of thoughts, revealing feelings, being vulnerable and a mutual respect for all.  How pleasant my life would be if more people respected each other and the difference of opinions -- if they understood that there is a possibility they could be wrong!  Unfortunately, I am pretty much an open book when it comes to my feelings and will be the first to admit I'm wrong.  Never have been much for a confrontation but won't back down from one if it's important enough.  I have jaws that move at lightening speed and will chew anything in my path....but I usually keep that on the DL until someone just REALLY wants a beat down.  HAH.  

Lately, however, I have decided to become a better friend.  Had a few situations mess me up and it helped me put into perspective a few things.  I haven't truly come to terms with it all, but here is what I learned:

Not everyone looks at friendship like I do

Sometimes, some friendships aren't worth keeping

Being honest is the best foundation for a good friendship

Giving of yourself does wonders for a relationship

And here I am.  A little hurt, bruised from the incident but a little bit wiser.  Now, if I could just ACCePT what I've learned.